My dear baby,

It’s been 3 years. After we lost you, I didn’t think I could survive another day. I felt so heartbroken, lost, confused, and alone. I didn’t get out of bed for a week, which was probably a good thing. My body needed to heal physically after all it had endured.

Here we are. When I didn’t think I could go on a single day without you, I’ve done it now for 3 years. I once felt so alone, but now feel connected in community with others who understand my heartache and this forever journey of longing for you. My confusion over “why me” has turned beautifully into PURPOSE.

It still hurts… my goodness, baby, does it hurt. That heart-contracting deeply in my chest kinda hurt.

But today I also feel peace. I woke up with a smile. As odd and unconventional as it may seem to others, today is my baby’s birthday. How could I not smile?

Happy Birthday, baby!

You have been one of my greatest teachers. Do you know that? You have taught me how strong I really am. How to overcome in a way I never knew before. I’ve learned how to love at a deeper level, because of you. Thank you, precious.

I think I feel some peace today, because I have greater clarity on how I can honor you. I promised you that you would be forever honored, remembered, and loved. We raised money for Forever Footprints to help other families going through pregnancy and infant loss! I ran a fundraiser in your memory without expectations, and people came together to give to others in your name. I hope you felt that love, because I was surrounded by it.

God doesn’t waste a thing, and I refuse to let our story be for nothing. I’ll keep trying my best to do good in your memory, and be there for others in this journey.

I love you. I wish you were here running around with your brothers. I will continue grieving all the memories I should have had with you, but I know you are surrounded by a love greater than mine. And that is nothing short of amazing.

3 years down, baby. We got this.



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