3 Promises to My Sons’ Birth Mother

In 14 short days, we will stand before a judge and loved ones, with hearts thumping, tears streaming, and smiles beaming as we officially adopt our two oldest sons. A day I’ve looked toward for years. A dream come true.

And, currently, my heart is drawn to their birth mother.

Dear First & Forever Mama,
We’ve never met, but I hope we do one day. I will pay for the coffee (do you like coffee?), and tell you all about our boys. I’ll share how big boy called pajamas “jamamas,” and that he is our fruit and veggie kid. I’ll share how utterly obsessed little man was with Lightning McQueen and The Incredibles. “Queen” may have been his second word… first being Dada. Maybe when they’re older, they will play soccer or baseball. I really want to see little man wrestle! I’ll save those pictures for you.

I’m going to be honest. I don’t understand the decisions you made, but I do know that life dealt you some extremely difficult cards at a very young age. Despite life’s struggles, you chose life for our sons. And for that, I will forever be grateful.

When we started the adoption process, I was certain that I wanted nothing to do with birth family members. But by the court’s rules we had to follow, God led us to meet your mother. And I saw firsthand where your beauty comes from. Where big boy’s eyes come from. Where little man’s smile comes from. After meeting my boys, I found love for who and where they came from.  

When we confirmed with her that we were adopting the boys, I could feel the pain in her eyes. The pain of wondering what went wrong. The pain of wondering if she could have prevented this for her daughter and grandsons. But there was a glimmer of peace, too. I knew all was going to be okay when she looked me in the eyes and said, “They’re safe, happy, and loved with you. That’s all I could ever want for them.”

The first time your mom heard big boy call me “mommy”, she thought he had said “nanny”. I was so hesitant to correct her. I felt that if I openly acknowledged my being his mommy to her, that somehow erased you as their mommy.  

I’m here to tell you, that will never be the case. Not in our family. Not in how we raise them.

So, these are my three promises to you.

I promise to never speak about you negatively to our sons.

I will always honor you as their mother. I will tell them how much you loved them then and love them now. I will tell them that you did what you thought was best for them. That you made a decision for them to be safe, because at the time, you could not properly provide safety for them.  I will show them the pictures of the smile on your face as you held them, fed them, and cuddled them. Making bad decisions does not make you a bad person. I’ll do my best to help them understand that.

I promise to pray for you.

I pray desperately that you give your life to God. That you surrender wholeheartedly to the only one you’ll ever need. That you break those chains holding you back from a beautiful and blessed life. I pray these things for your sake and for theirs. When they are adults, they may want to meet you one day. And I pray desperately that the woman they find is one who has turned her life around, and is in a position to develop a meaningful and healthy relationship with them.

I promise to give them the best life possible.

Oh, if I could tell you all the mistakes I’ve already made… but also tell you how I get down on my knees, hold their hand, and apologize. I promise to do the best I can each and every day. I promise to hug and kiss them. I promise to show them how loved they are. Even during all the moments I’m at wits end and have lost all patience, these are my promises to you and to them. I promise to work hard to provide them a life you and I never had as children. I’ll try my hardest to teach them to be honest, compassionate, loving, and hardworking men of God.

When their last name changes from yours to mine, your special role remains untouched.

You will always be their mother. So will I. I hope that one day we have the opportunity to share in all the joy and blessing that is.

With love,
Ally Rod
Second & Forever Mama