My heart has been heavy all week. And yesterday, it finally spilled over. I couldn’t stop the tears at work, the tears on the drive home, the tears while making dinner for my sons. I guess the only good that came of being so emotionally exhausted was that I didn’t have trouble falling (and staying) asleep last night.
It has been one year since we said goodbye to our Baby Rod. Mother’s Day last year, after days of uncertainty and pain, that was it. Our dream ended and our gift gone.
I had looked forward to celebrating Mother’s Day as a mother. And now, it will always be a trigger for the very traumatic experience of miscarrying our first baby.
But, it makes me SO grateful for the babies I have with me now. God has a plan, and I’m trusting Him through this. It doesn’t make it easy, but maybe 10 years from now, I’ll be able to approach this weekend with a less heavy heart. I know God will see me through this today and everyday.
So, to my little baby… Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday! You opened your eyes for the first time in the best place ever. You will never know pain. You will never know sadness. You will only know joy and peace and love. For all this, you are so very blessed. I don’t know what you are doing, but I imagine you to be the happiest kid ever. One year is a long time to miss you, and it will be a lifetime more. I will always think of you, remember you, and honor you. We will always remember your heavenly birthday as a family… because although you aren’t physically here with us, you live vibrantly in our hearts. I will always be a mommy to four, and we will always be a family of six because of you my baby. I love you so much.