It’s been a while! And so much has happened. I was slowly writing a piece during the first week of December. I say slowly, because I just couldn’t get through it. It was a piece sharing my heart about how hard the holidays were without our little angel still growing strong inside me. A piece about how I was dreading December… the month our little angel would have been due to join us. To say I was struggling would be an understatement. With every word and thought, my heart broke again and again as I continue to learn how to live without a piece of us on Earth.
I quickly realized that trying to write that piece was more damaging to my emotional and mental health than it was helpful in processing my feelings. So, instead I tried to focus on the more positive side of my mixed emotions for December. December means Christmas, and I LOVE Christmas. I love the season. I love remembering the beauty and grace of God who gave his only son for someone as broken as me.
During the season of giving, I had to choose to focus on the blessing of our baby… a gift from God… a gift that we will receive later. And I tried my best to focus on God’s ultimate gift to us and not my own suffering. And when I did, the month became much sweeter. It didn’t make missing our baby any easier, but it put my focus back where it needed to be.
God saw what I was going through. He saw every tear. He heard every prayer to give our sweet baby hugs from us.
And He had a plan. Oh my goodness, did He have a plan. A plan he’s always had for us, and one that we could never have dreamed for ourselves. As we experience this plan, we instantly have insight into why we endured all that we have.
On December 19, 2017, I received the call we’ve been working toward for years. Our adoption worker called with the coveted words, “I’m calling with a match.” I heard about a precious pair of brothers, age 1 and 2, who walked through our front door seven hours after I heard their names.
And on December 29, 2017, our little angel’s due date, we found out I was pregnant with baby #3!
In retrospect, we can see God’s provision and perfect timing all along the way. It’s so difficult to focus on that in the middle of your trial, but my what perspective retrospect brings.
We had to say goodbye to our first baby a couple weeks after our boys entered the foster care system. God knew then who their forever parents would be. We had hiccups and holdups early on in the foster care licensing process, because the baby boys who were meant for us weren’t even born yet. What I viewed as devastating blows along the way were provisions for us to time everything just right for these precious boys.
We took one pregnancy test prior to December 29th that was negative… but I think that positive result was intentionally timed for our first baby’s due date as a sign of God’s love and grace for our little family.
I was barely hanging on last month, but I think God could see I was trying my best to. He turned December around for us in such a huge way. I still miss my first baby. I still cry when I think about the day we said goodbye. I will always remember December 29th. I will always wonder what he or she would have been like, especially as I watch the beautiful personalities of my boys unfold with each day.
I thank God everyday for the way He loves us, has blessed us, and continues to see us through everything. I thank God every morning and every night that there are two hearts beating inside me (don’t get me started on how freaking amazing it was to see and hear our baby’s heartbeat), two sweet boys I get to kiss goodnight, and a loving husband, snoring Pug, and perfect Binks sleeping by my side every night. There are times He needs to take away. Sometimes we will know why and sometimes not. But, He always gives.
I feel foolish for how I doubted and questioned and struggled for years, but I know it was all part of God growing me stronger and better in Him.
We still have milestones ahead of us… an entire pregnancy and legal process for adopting the boys, but I know God has gone before us and will provide for us each good day and each hard day as we continue to seek His guidance for our lives. Thank you, God!
P.S. I have lots more to share about the boys and pregnancy to date… will try to get to it ASAP… in between hugs and snuggles with my babies.