When we got home from the doctor’s visit that confirmed my miscarriage, I immediately crawled into bed… and stayed there for about a week. On the inside, I was heartbroken, confused, hopeless, and a little angry. On the outside, my body was healing itself physically. The next day, my husband tried to throw away our pregnancy tests, but I immediately reached for them and asked that he leave them be. On my nightstand. Where I could see them.
Those tests were the only proof I had that our baby had existed. I couldn’t fathom throwing them away, and six months later, they’re still in the top drawer of my night stand.
I knew in that moment that I needed a way to honor our little angel. A way to remember a life that we longed for so deeply and for so long. We will always wonder what that precious life would have become.
I wanted something with me every day to commemorate the precious gift of our first baby, and we eventually decided on a ring. Our rings are so special to us… a sign of our love and commitment to one another… forever. For me, it was the perfect way to carry my baby’s memory with me everywhere I go.
My husband designed a simple ring for me. It has an emerald (May’s birthstone), and is engraved with, “Our Little Angel”. The day it arrived, he placed it on my finger like he did my engagement and wedding rings, and I’ve worn it every day since. You’ll know he is thinking of our baby when you see him hold my hand and twirl that ring around my finger.
In addition to this daily memento, we plan to participate in a walk to remember every October during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month as well as celebrate our little angel’s heavenly birthday every May 14th.
We were joined by some family for our first walk to remember hosted by Forever Footprints. Forever Footprints organized a beautiful event where families could celebrate, grieve, and heal all at the same time. We are so grateful for our loved ones joining us and for the amazing volunteers who created this safe space for us to honor the little ones who have impacted our lives so greatly!! The event included a Baby Memorial Wall to list the names of all the ones we miss. It also included a memory rope where we could write a note to our child on a beautiful hand-written card and hang it on a rope with others. This rope led the way for our walk. And lastly, they read each baby’s name one by one as parents walked up to collect a white rose. I love that every part of this event celebrated each baby as an individual life and gift.
We are also so appreciative and honored by other family who held their own walks to remember at home. Distance could not separate the support we felt that day! So much love was sent up to heaven to our Baby Rod.
But more important than rings and walks… I want to honor our little angel with my life.
I refuse to let miscarriage cause me to falter in my faith. I refuse to let miscarriage turn me back into the angry zombie of hopelessness that I was when we first struggled with infertility. I refuse to let any aspect of this infertility journey – no matter how tragic and heartbreaking – question my God’s love for me. I want this to make me a better person, one my child would be proud of.
Some days it is still so hard to accept that my baby is listed on a memorial wall… never a plaque, medal, or certificate. Or that I wear a ring on my finger… never able to hold a little hand in mine. Or that every year I will walk steps that my baby will never get to.
It is normal and necessary to have those days.
But on those difficult days, I cling to God’s promise that I will hold my child in heaven one day. We honor and thank God for his blessings and our baby will always be one of his greatest to us. Even though it wasn’t part of his plan for us to experience that blessing on earth, we look forward with hope to all the goodness that awaits us in heaven.
My Baby Rod, I will remember and honor your life for the rest of mine. I love you.
I’d love to hear the ways that you honor and celebrate the lives of those you miss. And to those who also miscarried very early in pregnancy, did you tell your other children about their sibling in heaven (or plan to)? If so, how did you incorporate your baby’s memory into your lives?
With love,
Ally Rod
~~~~~~~~~~
For the previous segments of the Baby Rodriguez Series, see:
- The Day You Made Us Parents
- Sharing the Happy News
- Seeing God’s Love During Our Miscarriage