I Didn’t Lose You

I’ve been so busy lately… busy with finalizing our adoption home study visits… busy with several 12+ hour days in the office… busy with several long weekends in the office… busy with special family guests at our house.

While all that busyness doesn’t keep me from thinking of our sweet angel baby, it does minimize the time I have to truly feel our baby’s absence. After a series of long days, I’m usually asleep within the hour after we’ve had dinner, which means I haven’t cried myself to sleep in a while. With so much going on at work, my mind is usually far ahead into my day on the commute into the office, which means I haven’t cried myself to work either. My husband is a few months into teaching, and much of our dinner conversation is brainstorming ideas to help Kid A do better in reading and Kid B improve behavior, which means we haven’t talked much about our sweet baby lately. It’s been months since the miscarriage happened on Mother’s Day, so the “how are you doing” and “thinking of you” messages have dwindled, too.

All this to say that I think God knew I really needed a major cry to continue grieving and healing.

I attend a women’s group at church every week. These ladies are a true gift from God in my life. Over the last few weeks, God brought a new lady to us who bravely opened her heart and shared her own experience with a baby gone too soon. I was so touched by her honesty, bravery, and strength. I sat silently in tears as my heart broke for her, but also for me. Our church’s vision is to be real with ourselves, God, and others. And in that moment, I struggled to do any of that. As our group leader looked at each of us to ask one last time whether we had anything to share, I sat there fighting the urge to scream something so very real.

And finally… through tears, I mustered the courage to say, “I’m afraid my baby wasn’t developed enough to go to Heaven. I don’t even know if we had a son or daughter.” These ladies… I’m telling you… they are so incredibly special. No judgment in my confession, only love. They each had their bits of God’s wisdom and advice to reassure me that I was going to see my baby in Heaven, and what I could pray for God to help take away this fear. 

After a long, much-needed cry, I drove home from church that night with one thought remaining.

Why do we say that we “lost” a baby when referring to miscarriage?

To lose something is to be without it. It implies that something will not be found or will be forgotten or that you will never get it back.

And none of this is fitting to miscarriage.

I didn’t lose you, my sweet angel, and I promise to stop saying I have.

You will never be forgotten, and there isn’t a day that goes by without you in my heart and on my mind. I will get you back. I will hold you one day. I will hear your voice and see your face. No, baby, I didn’t lose you. We just haven’t met yet.

And until we do, my prayer will be that God reveal to me whether we have a son or daughter waiting for us.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb…” God knew our sweet baby BEFORE we were blessed with his or her life. And God loved our baby long before we did. What peace and hope that gives me!

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, or as I will choose to refer to it… Pregnancy and Infant Remembrance Month. The month of October, my blog will be dedicated to honoring and remembering every part of our baby’s short, but special life… from positive pregnancy tests to sharing the news with family to knowing and feeling when it was time for our baby to go home. The real emotions. The real reactions. The real pain. The moments of joy and gratitude. The moments of sadness and uncertainty. The ways my husband and I have honored and will continue to remember the gift of our angel baby.

My husband and I will also be participating in the Inland Empire Walk to Remember the morning of Saturday, October 28, 2017. We will be walking the steps our sweet baby will never get to. If any family or friends would like to join us, registration can be found at: http://www.foreverfootprints.org/remembrance/events/ie-walk-to-remember/. We created a team named, “Baby Rodriguez”. ♥

With love,
Ally Rod